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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26914102">Open Your Window</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MonsterBoyf/pseuds/MonsterBoyf'>MonsterBoyf</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>VIXX is Trans [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>VIXX</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>A lot of this fic is spent in dressing rooms, Agender Hakyeon, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gender Dsyphoria, Gender Identity, Genderfluid jaehwan, Haken are Bean's nonbinary mentors, Hongbin is only questioning rn, M/M, Other, Sanghyuk doesnt hand bean his cis guilt because he's not that annoying, Trans Character, Wontaek are here but only in mention, bra fitting, gender euphoria</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 00:41:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,249</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26914102</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MonsterBoyf/pseuds/MonsterBoyf</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hongbin was always sure he was a man. All those around him may have transitioned, but he was just an ally.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Han Sanghyuk | Hyuk/Lee Hongbin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>VIXX is Trans [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1963759</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Open Your Window</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Oh my god this took so fucking long</p><p>This one is a bit more sad, just because bin is struggling, but I didnt want to make it all tragic. There are certainly cute bits though! And happy moments. The beginning of a transition can just be difficult. </p><p>Hakyeon- agender, he/him<br/>Jaehwan- genderfluid. Fem they/them, masc he/him</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>"Hm, what do you think, Binnie?" Hongbin huffed as he turned off his phone, looking up to the mirror. Hakyeon was in a ruffled blouse, the sleeves loose and flowing. It hugged his chest well, somehow not looking boxy or masculine at all. It was a rich emerald, matching so well with Hakyeon's skin. He turned around to face Hongbin and held out his arms, waiting for his review. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It’s cute." Hakyeon huffed, stomping his foot. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You say that about everything! Give me a better critique." Hongbin rolled his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hakyeon, you have a billion more outfits to go through. You look nice, what more do you need?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, aren't you in a mood…" Hakyeon looked him over before pulling off the blouse. He had a simple bra underneath, solid black with straps in the front forming an X. It was dainty, but in a way that seemed weird to Hongbin. All of Hakyeon was a little odd for him. He was used to Wonshik, who loved being masculine and never touched anything feminine since he was fourteen. Taekwoon was the same way, from as much as Hongbin had seen of him. Hakyeon, and his buddy Jaehwan, were not the same way. Hakyeon especially liked to mix and match things together. Not in a tasteless sense, but in a way that confused Hongbin the first few times they went shopping together. Hakyeon wasn't strictly feminine or masculine. He was just Hakyeon. Things he wore didn't have to fit him a certain way to please him, do certain tricks of the eye to be pleasing. Hongbin handed over the empty hanger for Hakyeon to put the blouse on. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Why don't I ever get to see you try things on, bunny?" Hakyeon was very generous with pet names. He swapped the blouse for one of the pairs of jeans Hongbin held out for him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't like changing in front of people." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Except Hyukie, hm?" Hakyeon teased, smiling in good nature as he stepped out of his shorts. Hongbin looked down at the fabric in his arms, shrugging. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I guess." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Bunny, are you upset? You seem gloomier than normal." Hongbin watched as Hakyeon worked his way into the jeans. They fit so close to the skin it was a little unnerving. But then, it did make Hakyeon's ankles seem so tiny, and his dancer legs seem so long once he worked them up all the way. He looked at himself in the mirror, obviously looking at his own butt. "I like these. I might ask Taeky to embroider something on them for me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That would be pretty…" Hakyeon turned around to face Hongbin, hands on his hips and a stern look on his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Is there something you're not telling me, Bean?" Hongbin shook his head, stepping away to hang the remaining hangers on the wall hook. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm fine, I'm just going to go piss." Hakyeon scoffed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Vulgar. I'll be here." Hongbin nodded, stepping out of the dressing room. He always felt so big when Hakyeon dragged him into this store. The dressing room doors were a little low. Fine for the skinny ladies who came in or teenage girls who always traveled together. Hongbin was a little too tall compared to them though, being able to see over the top of the door since there were gaps at both the top and bottom. Hongbin tried to walk as quickly out of the women's section as he could, to the restroom.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The store was a smaller boutique, so it only had one neutral bathroom in the back of the store. Hongbin knocked on the door before tucking inside, locking it behind him. He pulled out his phone, seeing no new texts from Sanghyuk. He closed it, unsure why he felt so damn jittery all of a sudden. This whole trip had an odd effect that it normally never did. Hongbin felt itchy, anxious. He couldn't really stand still in the dressing room, or look at Hakyeon as he tried things on. They'd done this a million times, so what the hell was wrong with him today? He considered the rest of his day as he did what he actually came to. He had been fine that morning. He and Sanghyuk had breakfast and talked pleasantly, the only irritation when Sanghyuk went to leave for work. He teasingly said he'd be back for dinner, calling Hongbin darling after. Sanghyuk knew how Hongbin hated those ooey gooey 40s’ tv couple pet names. He wasn't a darling. He was 'babe' maybe 'honey' or 'baby' if he was feeling nice. After that miniscule incident, everything was normal. He played through a few levels of his new game, then accepted Hakyeon's offer to go window shopping. Then… that's when Hongbin started getting that itchy feeling in his being. He washed his hands. Was it Hakyeon? Was Hongbin just in a bitch mood today and didn't want the company? The trip to the bathroom didn't provide him any answers, just making him more irritated. He stepped out with a frown. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The store had a lot of single mannequins, not the creepy faceless families, but ladies posing with their plastic boyfriends, plastic men chatting it up with their friends, girls gathered together on podiums. Hongbin looked at the female mannequins as he passed them. Cute sundresses, bright sweaters thrown over shoulders paired with short tennis skirts, a business woman in one of those rare pantsuits that were actually flattering. Their smiles were empty because of their blank faces. Hongbin reached up and felt the sundress's fabric. It was soft, like a pajama shirt. The pattern was cute too, bright happy sunflowers. Very warm and inviting. The girl who wore it in Hongbin's mind seemed very cute. It reminded him of Jaehwan, the colors and the kind of loose drapey fit of it. The mannequins feet had sandal type heels. They were a simple brown leather. Looking at the one with a tennis skirt, he worried about whoever might wear it. It seemed so short, flashing was probably guaranteed. Her legs did seem lovely though. Long, dainty. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Hongbin came back to the dressing room, Hakyeon was stepping into a different dress. It was black, but with tiny red roses printed on it. It hardly reached his knees,  and it had a slit up the leg on the left side. The sleeves were long and puffy, belling around Hakyeon's wrists. When he spun, the skirt did that pretty flowing motion. The one his nieces often did when showing Hakyeon their new dresses. it looked very nice, gathering around Hakyeon before falling back into place. He wasn't wearing enough, or any, padding to fill out the bust, but he didn't well need it. Hakyeon wasn't particularly broad, so everything looked proper, like the dress was made for him. Hongbin didn't notice Hakyeon was looking at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hongbin, are you okay?" He repeated, catching the younger's attention.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What?" Hakyeon frowned, crossing his arms over his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hongbin, if something is wrong I can take you home."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Nothing is wrong," Hongbin immediately denied. He was fine. If you weren't fine, Hakyeon would give you an hour long lecture and hug. He was fine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Bunny, it's okay if you're not feeling good."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm fine! If you want to go so bad, then just finish putting on all your girly stuff." He was aware how stupid and petulant he sounded once it came out of his mouth. Knowing he had took the first dig at his grave saying it, he chose to just sit down on the bench and look at the floor. Hakyeon dropped his arms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Wait here." Hongbin's head shot up, a surge of guilt immediately going through him. Fuck, he didn't mean to be that much of a dickhead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hakyeon, I didn't-" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Just wait for me, Binnie," Hakyeon ordered calmly, holding his palm out like he was ordering a dog. Hongbin stayed, and Hakyeon left the dressing room. Hongbin sat on his hands and bounced his feet. God, why was he being so temperamental? He was definitely getting a scolding on the way home. It sounded stupid, but it was Hakyeon's way. He adopted anyone and assigned himself as their parent figure as soon as he could. The scolding just came along with that. Hongbin was not free from it. Right now, he just hoped he hadn't offended the other too much. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hakyeon came back, and he tossed something onto Hongbin's lap. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Try it on."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What is this?" It was a lot of fabric, but thin. He couldn't tell what it was piled up on his lap. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I want you to try it on. If you don't like it, we never speak of it again." Hongbin gave Hakyeon a look before standing up, holding it by the hanger so it would unfold. He went cold realizing it was a dress, or a robe. Something a rich woman would wear to the beach to cover her bathing suit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hakyeon, I can't wear this."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes you can." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But- but-" Hongbin sputtered, not even sure how to verbalize how Bad and Wrong this was. It wouldn't fit him, it wouldn't look good on him, it wasn't even </span>
  <em>
    <span>made</span>
  </em>
  <span> for him. Hakyeon silenced him by standing beside the younger, a gentle hand on his back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Try it. Just once."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hongbin didn’t look in the mirror as he pulled his shirt off his back, an ugly feeling settling in his ribs. He felt so small suddenly, puny and watched under Hakyeon's eyes. He just stood silently, arms crossed over his chest. The sound of tugging his jeans off of his legs was too loud in the moment, for Hongbin. Everything was suddenly so very much. He'd look so stupid, and Hakywon would laugh. It was some cruel joke. Hakyeon was suddenly behind him, holding the robe open like it was a jacket. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hakyeon-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Put your arms in." Hongbin sighed, shoving his arms through the sleeves. It was silk, smooth and luxurious on Hongbin's skin. Hakyeon guided it up the rest of the way, the collar resting on Hongbin's nape. His hair stood up on end, as though even his body were resisting the idea of wearing it. Hakyeon came around, fixing the front closed and tying the ribbon around Hongbin's waist. His true waist, where he was most narrow. The robe was baby blue, dainty large flower designs printed on, no two alike. The sleeves were loose, enough space to fit another's arm when Hongbin lifted his own. Hakyeon stepped back once the ribbon was in a neat bow, looking Hongbin over. He was in front of the mirror. "Perfect."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hakyeon. I'm not supposed to wear stuff like this." Hakyeon just blinked at him, silent. His hands were on his hips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Look at yourself," he ordered, stepping away from the mirror.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There he was, tall, broad Hongbin. He took up all of the mirror. He didn't move, completely struck frozen except for his eyes. Because of the way hakyeon tied it and Hongbin’s shoulders, it looked almost like he had an hourglass form. The blue looked good on him, made his skin look good, at least he thought so. If you ignored his muscular, hairy calves where the robe ended at his knees, and his face, he could pass off for a boxy lady. The woman in Hongbin’s head, that he imagined anytime he looked at Hakyeon’s clothes, would look good in it. Long dark hair blowing in the wind, barefoot and walking on the beach with sandals in her hand. She looked distinctly beautiful in the sunlight, and there was a bitter, vile feeling inside of Hongbin’s chest. He didn’t even like women, why was he thinking about this mystery woman and feeling so bitter about her effortless beauty. She would wear something like this and be so confident. People would probably come to her and tell her how stunning she looked. It wasn’t a thought out of attraction to her, this imaginary woman. Hongbin just...liked the way she looked. She was beautiful, from an aesthetic point of view. He wasn’t jealous. Practically everyone around him told him what a handsome man he was, how cool he came off. He wasn’t ugly, so he couldn’t be jealous of what she had. Still, something hurt, something urged Hongbin to tuck his hair behind his ear like her. He looked so wrong, his face with this outfit, this illusion of an hourglass figure. It didn’t fit. He wasn’t handsome like this, he wasn’t pretty. Hakyeon leaned against the wall behind him, watching as Hongbin wiped his face on the sleeve, sniffling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Talk to me about it, Binnie.” His voice was gentle, easy. Hongbin gathered his strength, forcing back the tears to look at himself again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I look stupid.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I’m a m-man in a dress. This wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>made</span>
  </em>
  <span> for me, Hakyeon.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you think about? When you’re wearing it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-I see this lady.” Hakyeon hummed, nodding. Hongbin peeked at the blue lining of the sleeve. “She’s one of those rich, petite types. She’s wearing this on the beach.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go on.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s beautiful, really pretty. Everyone else tells her how beautiful she looks, she’s a queen, or whatever.” Hakyeon pushes himself off the wall, coming beside Hongbin. He puts an arm around his waist, where he tied the ribbon.They both look in the mirror, at Hongbin and his boxy body. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What does it feel like when you think about her?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I.. don't know. It feels bad.” Hakyeon lifts Honbgin’s chin up so he looks in the mirror, rather than at his hands. Hongbin sees overwhelming compassion in his eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sad? Angry? Jealous?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don't know. All of them?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Binnie, did you resist putting this on because it's for women, or because you wouldn’t look as good as the women who would wear it?” Hongbin stared at him through the mirror. He was petrified. Hakyeon rubbed up and down his side, tenderly, maternally. “You want to be beautiful like that, don’t you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I..don’t know… .”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to speak over how you feel Binnie, but i think you’re scared of femininity. I think you’re scared that for one second someone won’t think you’re whatever man you think you are. I’ve seen a lot of you, Hongbin, and I've seen how angry you get when something even a little girly gets pushed onto you. I really think that part of that anger is fear. That you get it pushed onto you, so you get scared, and then you get angry. What do you think, Bin?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hongbin stared at himself, deeper than he ever remembered having done. He felt like he saw a piece of his soul somewhere, past the clothes and his skin. He felt so raw and hollow but he didn’t know what to do with either feeling. They just sat there, festering within him. He didn’t feel scared when they teased about crossdressing, or Sanghyuk called him a princess. Maybe Hakyeon didn’t mean that kind of scared though, the palpable kind of fear you have when you’re in danger. Maybe he meant something a little deeper. It… hurt something in him when people made him seem girly. It felt like an insult to his pride. How dare they not see him as a perfect example of a typical man?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But it's normal for guys to get upset when they get called girly, right?” Hakyeon considered it, before easing Hongbin down to sit on the floor of the dressing room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess, but they guys that do that, they usually do because of something deeper. They think that being feminine is being weak, vulnerable or incapable. Other guys, they get upset because they want to be like that. They want to be a little feminine, or very feminine, but they can’t. They can't because the world we live in doesn’t like men acting or looking like women. Those guys get upset because it reminds them of something they can’t have.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s what you meant about being scared.” Hakyeon nodded. He held Hongbin’s hands as the younger looked at the floor. It was like he was walking blind through a maze, disoriented and just wanting an answer. "Do you- do you think I'm pretty? Or that someone.. like me can be pretty?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Rather than handsome?" Hongbin nodded, chewing his lip. Hakyeon held Hongbin's head by either side, pulling him in and kissing his forehead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I think you're so pretty, Hongbin. No matter who you are."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Can I- can I try some more stuff..?" Hongbin had been cradled in Hakyeon's embrace for a few minutes, rocked gently in a display of affection that Hongbin would rarely ever allow. Right now though, he was scared and confused. Being hugged by Hakyeon felt like being cradled by your mom after a nightmare. He was safe, even if he didn’t understand this ache in his heart. Hakyeon pushed the hair from his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You want to try on more clothes?" Hongbin nodded. His reflection was looking more and more alien to himself. He didn't know if it was because of the baby blue robe or not. "Do you want to get dressed and help me pick? Or do you just want me to do it?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't want to see people right now." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Okay," he eased Hongbin off of him, standing up, "I'll be back with more stuff then." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hakyeon eased him out of the robe, and it was like breaking through the water when you were drowning. Brief respite. The crushing weight inside of him lifted itself, pulling him in a false sense of hope, before returning when Hongbin saw his body. Bare except for his underwear and socks. He felt like he was in a funhouse mirror, distorted. Hakyeon distracted, holding a skirt out so that Hongbin could step in. He took a breath before doing so, trusting Hakyeon. The elder pulled it up his legs, then did the button at the side. It hugged onto his hips and made a straight, stiff line down to the bottom hem. It was a sweet yellow with no pattern. On top, Hakyeon pulled a grey hoodie over his head. It was cropped, stopping at the middle of his chest. It felt weird, but not so much in the crushing way. It was odd, but he wasn't unhappy about it. His muscular stomach contracted the likely soft aesthetic the clothes went for, feminine clashing with masculine. Hakyeon let him look at himself, giving him a quiet minute of reflection. Hongbin felt so awkward, like a bad caricature of a woman, turning around slowly to look at himself from all angles. It made his legs look nice, he thought. Maybe longer? When he took his face out of the equation, it was easier to swallow. He was able to separate his own mental image of himself from what was happening to his body.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How do you feel?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It looks… nice.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>____________</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey babe, how was shopping?” Hongbin tried to turn the corner into their apartment as sharply as possible, trying to get to the bedroom quickly. His experience with Hakyeon went on much longer than they had planned for their original shopping trip. There were many outfits, many assessments of Hongbin and his current mental state, a deep dive into his fears when they had stopped and gotten lunch to eat in the car. Hakyeon would usually never allow such a thing, but he understood the need within certain circumstances. It was much later than they planned when Hongbin opened the door to their apartment and stepped out of his sneakers. Smaller than Sanghyuk’s, who had been home from work for some time. Hongbin had gotten a few things, breaking down to the force that was Hakyeon. The elder showed his experience by giving him an alternate bag to the paper baby pink one the store provided. There were plastic ones he kept in the back for trash, the kind grocery stores carried. They put Hongbin’s clothes in that, after he looked at the pink paper bag anxiously when they pulled into the complex. Hongbin appreciated Hakyeon’s silent wisdom in that moment. He understood, despite what was healthy, Hongbin was secretive and stubborn. This was new and terrifying for him. He was going to try and hide it from Sanghyuk until he was certain what was wrong with him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Changed in him</span>
  </em>
  <span> the voice of Hakyeon corrected in his head. There was nothing wrong with what he was going through, his world was just changing. Hongbin scoffed at it when he said it in the car. Sure, nothing wrong with your entire identity collapsing around you. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was fine,” He answered his boyfriend, stepping into the bedroom. He shoved the plastic bag under the bed, by the other bag that kept the clothes he kept meaning to donate. It blended in, as though it didn’t exist. Hongbin wished that it was truly that way, now that he was home. He felt like a little boy sweeping broken heirlooms under the rug before his mother came home. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I didn’t know how long you'd be so I made food. I put a plate in the microwave." Hongbin sighed, staring at the bag while barely even hearing Sanghyuk in the other room. He could easily hear him from any room in this tiny apartment, but his mind felt like it was ringing as he shared the same space with the bag. Was it hidden well enough? What if Sanghyuk randomly got an urge to clean and found it? What if he would be disgusted? Hongbin wouldn't be able to explain. He wouldn’t be ready to explain anytime soon. He was so confused himself now. Sanghyuk was just a simple man. He was cis, and he only knew the others through Hongbin. They hadn't been together that long. There was no way he was as aware as Hongbin. He wasn't the sole confident for both Wonshik's questioning and following transition. Hongbin was certain that this bag couldn't be found, this flaw in himself couldng be found until Hongbin knew the fix. He pushed it further under the bed before coming out to the living room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sanghyuk was still there, still in the same position. He was on his phone, slouched back with his legs spread out. He took up so much space. Hongbin forced out all the thoughts of how he sat. He didn't need to get upset over something as meaningless as his own man spreading. He sat on the other end of the couch, feet propped up on the edge of the cushion. He folded his arms on his knees and put his head on said arms, looking at Sanghyuk. He glanced sideways at Hongbin, quirking his lip in a brief smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What's up, Binnie?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I missed you." Hongbin didn't know of anything else he could say. Anything that wouldn't give himself away. Not that he didn't miss Sanghyuk. He had been distressed for hours, and the younger was usually the only person he'd go to when he was distressed. Sanghyuk put his phone down, a little pitying smile on his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I missed you too. Did something happen?" Hongbin shook his head. He closed his eyes and sighed deeply as Sanghyuk reached over and pet his hair. Sanghyuk was simple, </span>
  <em>
    <span>they</span>
  </em>
  <span> were simple. This home they had together was simple and Hongbin was needlessly complicating something good. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm just tired." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You want to go to bed?" A little thump of panic. No. That meant being back in the room with the bag. He would have hid it under the floorboards if he could. He unfurled himself, making his way over to sit beside Sanghyuk, under his arm. He put his face in the younger's neck. Sanghyuk just stroked him, tender. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It’s too early for bed. I'll wake up at the ass crack of dawn." Sanghyuk snorted, but he didn't argue.  They sat like that, Hongbin sinking into him. He wished he could sink into him until they were one person, until he could be a rock like Sanghyuk. He didn't want to change. He didn't want things to change. If he fell asleep on Sanghyuk, maybe he would wake up the next morning himself again. He'd be whole, not with a hole punched out of his chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"How do you feel about Jaehwan and Hakyeon?" Hongbin blurted out. He immediately regretted it as Sanghyuk moved his head to look at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Their genders, I mean." It was too late to back down now. Hongbin picked a blank spot on the wall opposite and stared at it like his life depended on it. He shouldn't be worried. He was great with them both. Respectful, understanding. There shouldn't be any doubt in Hongbin's mind the answer would be positive. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're sure nothing happened between you two?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes." Sanghyuk sighed, shifting his position holding Hongbin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't have an issue with it, if that's what you mean. I don't really get how they can feel that way, but I also don't get how you can like sugar on your eggs. Doesn't make either wrong."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You had to bring my eggs into it?" Sanghyuk laughed, squeezing Hongbin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes. They didn't choose to feel how they do, so the least I can do is help." Hongbin nodded, rubbing the fabric of Sanghyuk's shirt between his fingers. He didn't understand, but he didn't have to. He was supportive regardless. Hongbin should have felt comforted, yet he still felt unease gnawing at him. At least the question would leave his mind now. When it came to other people, there was at least no doubt. Sanghyuk kissed his head, and Hongbin just relaxed into his place. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>-------</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"There's my bean," Jaehwan cooed as Hongbin got into the passenger seat of their car, a cherry red hunk of junk. Hongbin just sighed as he put on his seat belt. "It's a girls day, just so you know, but I want to know why you wanna go with me. You're not coming down with something, are you?" They laughed to themselves, only joking with Hongbin. The two didn't shop together, not really. Jaehwan was overwhelming, and Hongbin formerly didn't want anything to do with their even higher feminine taste. He couldn't use that defense anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Kind of, not really." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What's up, Binnie? Talk to your old Hwannie."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're not that old-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Shh, stop avoiding it." They rubbed Hongbin's arm, still focused on looking at the road. Hongbin sighed, resigning to give up and look out the window. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I want to shop with you, see how you do it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We don't exactly share a taste."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, not so much anymore…" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Binnie," Jaehwan's voice took on a scandalized tone, "are you saying you're willing to experiment with fem?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I guess." Hongbin tensed as Jaehwan made a noise like they just broke the water's surface for air.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Why didn't you tell me sooner? Oh my god, I'm going to have so much fun with you!" They squeezed Hongbin's hand, holding it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I haven't told anybody but Hakyeon."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That </span>
  <em>
    <span>bitch</span>
  </em>
  <span>! I knew I should have come with you two." They glanced over at Hongbin shifting in his seat, smiling softly. "I'm kidding, Bean. I'm glad you told me on your own time."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I figured you two would understand it best." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Does that mean you haven't talked with Shik about it yet?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"God no." Jaehwan cooed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, he'll be so excited. You basically helped him through his whole transition, didn't you?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh that's so cute. You'll have to tell me all about it when you come out to him."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Right. When I come out…" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, you don't have to rush it. I'm just saying you have a good support system. They're all going to be happy for you."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hongbin's anxiety spiked once they finally entered the mall. People milled about, heading in and out of shops. Hongbin tried to see them all to make sure he didnt recognize a single one. He was interrupted by Jaehwan's tugging though. They led him to the map posted in the center of the plaza. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So how do you want to go about this? Are we more of the subtle type or are we going full frou frou princess?" Hongbin looked at the map, mouthing for words. He didn't know what he liked. He denied that he liked it at all for so long that he didn't have any idea where he was supposed to begin. He closed his mouth and turned to Jaehwan instead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Where would you start?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Where would I start?" Hongbin nodded. Jaehwan looked to the map, like they didn't consider that as the first step. They pouted their lips before slowly dragging their eyes to Hongbin as they spoke. "Well, if I were still a little lost in the closet and shy, I'd start with undergarments. Socks, panties, bras. Plus, they make you feel sexy. It could help your confidence." Hongbin frowned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don’t have issues with my confidence." Jaehwan gave him a smug little smile and pat his arm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sure. So do you want to start there? I can help you out." Hongbin glanced back at the map, the marker he knew pointed out where one of those "intimate garment" stores was. It would help him, he reassured himself. He gulped and nodded, letting Jaehwan take his hand. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It wasn't a big name brand store like a Victoria's Secret or something. The company was local, and their store seemed infinitely less gaudy and overwhelming than the others Hongbin had passed in a lifetime of shopping trips with his mother. It smelt too strong of air freshener, but it was pleasant inside. The radio played quiet enough that Hongbin would struggle to identify what was playing. The walls were a sweet lilac, Hongbin noticed. His eyes were very much avoiding mannequins in lingerie. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Okay, so how much do you know about all of this?" Jaehwan clapped their hands together, standing in front of Hongbin. Hongbin, reluctantly, looked around at the products shrugging. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I know sports bras are the most comfortable choice? I kinda recognize some of the more.. sexy stuff." Jaehwan nodded, their hands together like they were praying with fingertips to their plump lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Okay, so first off, don’t sound so prudish about it. Second off, get ready for a lecture."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jaehwan-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Shh, these are important facets you'll need in your journey, my young Caterpillar." Hongbin shoved off the arm Jaehwan hooked around his. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don't call me that." Jaehwan led him over to the left of the store, where bras were hanging on the wall above stacks of their siblings.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"These are underwire. They're the worst ones for hurting you, especially when the wire starts coming out. You usually pick them for support," Jaehwan glanced at Hongbin’s chest, "but I don't think you need to worry about that yet." They laughed as Hongbin put an arm over his chest. "But they give you a nice shape. Padding is going to be your friend if you want to seem to have a little more," Jaehwan did a motion, like they were pushing up breasts, "boob." Hongbin nodded, probably looking stupid with his serious expression. "We'll come back over and get one once we measure you." Jaehwan took his hand and guided him to the next section. He did have to say, women's underwear was beautiful. It had such pretty colors and gentle designs. Hongbin never thought to look at them, knowing so firmly that he loved men that he dared not even taint his eyes with what women wore underneath. He was allowing himself to look at it differently now. He wasn't attracted to someone wearing these clothes, he was attracted to the idea of being the wearer. Jaehwan stroked his arm when they saw him unconsciously run a hand over his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What are these?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Wireless, and some front clamping it seems. These are both good for flatter chests. You're so wide up top too, I think we should definitely start with some of these two. Sometimes I use front clamps when I wear small forms." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Forms?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Things you put in your bra to give the illusion of boobs. We can try some of those too. The ladies here carry some, the angels." Hongbin went to touch, before hesitating. He looked to Jaehwan. They nodded, gesturing to the racks. He was free to touch. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was soft. He could imagine how nice it would feel on his skin. He blushed a little at the mental image of it though. He definitely didn't have a womanly figure. But then… he imagined his chest having some weight to it. He imagined a less triangular figure and clothes more befitting to that beautiful woman in his mind. He smiled a little, despite himself. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Pretty</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Jaehwan rubbed his hand with their thumb. They let him stare and feel the bras. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you want to measure and try some on now, Bean?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do we need someone for that?" Hongbin immediately snapped away from his thoughts, looking for the attendant he knew had to be lurking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, hey," he returned his eyes to Jaehwan, "don't freak out on me here. I can do it. No one has to be in there but you and me." Hongbin glanced back to the cashier’s desk before looking at Jaehwan and nodding softly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?” Hongbin nodded again. Jaehwan left him to get a dressing room, bringing him in once they had gotten the okay from the employee. Hongbin kept his eyes down. If he didn’t see her, maybe she wouldn’t see him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Take your shirt off,” Jaehwan ordered. They gestured to Hongbin to hurry up when he gave them a look. He sighed and pulled it over his head, dropping it to the dressing room floor. It was a small room, only about the size of a closet. A bench was in front of the mirror, which was opposite the door. Jaehwan pulled a tape measure from their bag, dropping it to the ground as well. “This is going to be cold.” Hongbin drew a breath at Jaehwan wrapping it around his chest, right under his armpits. “This is your band size.” Jaehwan stepped aside, letting Hongbin see in the mirror. It was so easy to see how broad he was like this. Jaehwan read the measurement before moving it further down, directly over his nipples. “And this is your bust.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did someone teach you this?” Jaehwan smiled to themselves and nodded, checking the second measurement. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There was a lovely woman at the bar when I first went there.” They undid the tape measure and pulled out their phone. “She was in charge of costumes and their maintenance. One night, she taught me how to measure for myself. It definitely helped with Kendoll.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What happened?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She quit. Settled down with her partner or something. Sometimes I text her for advice. You’re an A cup.” Jaehwan pat Hongbin’s arm, sweet smile on their face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that good?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It means you’re flat as a board. All you do to figure that out is take your bust from your band, in case you ever,” They did that motion like they were holding breasts again and made a noise Hongbin assumed to be a growing sound effect. Hongbin just looked down at himself in the mirror as they chuckled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I dont know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Know what?” Jaehwan asked, back to serious. They didn’t like that look on Hongbin’s face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If I want,” Hongbin whined, flapping his hands uselessly before making a gesture, drawing a mound on his chest, “big ones, or any. I feel like this was a bad idea. I feel-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, hey…” Hongbin reluctantly looked at Jaehwan. “If you don’t want any, it’s okay. You just started, you won’t know everything you want right now. I’m not asking you to get top surgery, just try on some stuff. If you don’t like it, then you can forget about the whole thing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t- I don’t want to waste your effort if I don't like it or I change my mind.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hongbin, it’s not a waste. Even if you don’t like them, you’ll have figured that out. That makes the trip worth it. Knowing what you don't want is just as important." Hongbin stared at Jaehwan, who had the softest look in their eyes. They extended a hand to caress Hongbin's face. Their fingers ran over his cheek, through his hair. Hongbin closed his eyes and just sighed, settling himself in the motion. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm sorry."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's alright, bunny."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Thank you, I guess. For not letting me chicken out." Jaehwan smiled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You can chicken out at any time. I can just see how much you want this." Hongbin opened his eyes, looking at Jaehwan unsure. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah?" Jaehwan nodded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I know a future princess when I see one." Hongbin huffed and Jaehwan chuckled, putting their hand back down. "Are you ready for your tits now, your highness?" They did a little bow and Hongbin could feel his cheeks go warm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Get out, gaylord…"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jaehwan did bring him some of those front clamps, specifically the one he was pawing at before. Holding it in his hands, he felt nervous. It was just a flimsy piece of fabric and yet it was so daunting for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Put it on like you were putting on a coat," Jaehwan guided. They sat on the bench now. Hongbin had been given his wings, he just had to fly. Hongbin sighed. There was no joke, no excuse that could get him out of this. He slipped his arm into one of the straps (which Jaehwan had already adjusted), and then the other. All he had to do was to clasp it shut. A motion you knew how to do since you were a kid. Hongbin fumbled the first time he grabbed the two sides though. He glanced back at Jaehwan, but they just gave a single nod, watching. They weren't going to help him with this part unless he asked. Hongbin looked back down to his chest again and tried again. The two plastic bits clicked once they were secured together. He was wearing a bra. Lee Hongbin was standing in a dressing room and a crisis while wearing a woman's bra. With the softest fingers, he touched his chest, touching the cotton. It was soft, felt nice on the skin, both of his chest and his fingers. A plain little cream color. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hongbin didn't have the words for describing the feeling he had looking in the mirror. It was like drowning, coming over him in waves and waves. Under the water though, you could see the beautiful world beneath it. You were surrounded by bellowing silence underwater. He just stared at the mirror, at the person in it, rubbing hands over his chest. It wasn't like Wonshik. There was no change in shape, no great visual queue. Hongbin understood though. He got it now. It felt like the camera of his perspective had shifted focus, changed frames entirely to something Hongbin couldn't see before. There wasn't a thought of how silly he may seem, or how unreasonable it seemed to be so disproportionately filled with joy. Not joy. Satisfaction, realization? Epiphany? He was soothed so deeply for a wound he didn't know he had, not consciously. There wasn't a thing in his brain but that tremulous feeling in his heart and the way his chest looked in the cream colored bra. He was somewhere else. Somewhere outside of himself. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Pretty</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He was </span>
  <em>
    <span>pretty</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He shifted from side to side softly, watching his body's movements. It was right, and it was good. It was seeing light for the first time, seeing your first newborn, or rainbow, or a million other beautiful simple things. Things that weren't a Celebration. They were natural. Simple. There were simple glorious parts of nature and of life that were beautiful without being a shock. That was the feeling that settled into Hongbin's heart in that cramped dressing room. Something so natural clicked into place. He sighed, and he smiled. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>________</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hongbin still hadn't told him. He couldn't. Wonshik knew. He assured that he wasn't told by the others, promised he just noticed how something had changed, something miniscule. But pebbles can be mountains depending on the perception. Wonshik was his friend almost all his life. He </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> his Hongbin. That being said, it also meant Taekwoon knew. Everyone was in on it, but Sanghyuk. Every single one assured he shouldn't be so scared. Sanghyuk wasn't like that. That wasn't their Hyogi. Hongbin couldn't do it though. He tried to script out his confession, but it just made him feel ashamed every time. If he planned on blurting it out to rip off the bandaid, he ended up waiting too long and missing his chance. Sanghyuk would begin to talk about some trivial stupid thing and the moment would be gone. Hongbin tried to be subtle, after he gave up on trying. He tried to not let the loving touches sting, respond to the teasing as he always did. He didn't know why he felt hurt by it now. The ignorance was no fault of his. It was Hongbin's fault he was unaware. Still though, the kisses, the cuddling to sleep, it made his insides itch. In his mind's eye, he saw Sanghyuk sleeping with a stranger. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For obvious reasons, the feminine clothes were for when he was alone in the house, and only then. He couldn't wear them in public, ruin the image he made for himself in everyone's minds. He couldn't ever look someone in the eye and explain why he looked so different. Why he craved so badly to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>pretty</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It became a ritual, to dig out the clothes once Sanghyuk was away. He didn't tell Hakyeon or Jaehwan about all the new things he got since they helped him. He felt embarrassed that he wasn't either of them. He didn't want to look like them, be like them. They could learn later, if he ever was confident, if he was ever sure. Then they could know all the things he'd been secretly buying and taking. He couldn't be that person in his mind for everyone else yet. He couldn't be a girl for anyone but himself. He could only be one here, in their bedroom, in front of the mirror. It was enough, for now. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The window was open for him, but he wouldn't make any steps towards the outside for a while. He was fine with his window, seeing things he never did before from it. It made his world so much brighter than the little box he was in before. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hongbin did find out Jaehwan wasn't wrong. He liked the pretty things, the princess-frou-frou things. So many things were barred from him because he didn't have the body, but there were little things, tiny things that fit him and made him feel like that princess. It was odd, how that pet name changed from one of disdain. He sat on the floor in front of the mirror, smiling at the reflection of his legs he was hugging. Little ankle high socks, whose ends were frilled, were on his feet and they made him inappropriately happy. No sane person should be so happy about plain white socks. Hongbin had become acquainted with that feeling though, the indescribable contentment he felt looking at something that made him the new Hongbin. The new Hongbin was so far separated from the old, sometimes it felt like a whole new person. Hongbin was glad to have this new persona though. When he was alone, it so often came with the joy Hongbin had never felt before. He sat up proper so he could see the rest. He tugged down the little bralette, not new like the socks, but something he got on his own. The other two were both right, describing how undergarments are a big help. Hongbin couldn't wear, say, a dress or skirt to work, but were he to wear some baby pink socks and one of these little bralettes, none would be the wiser. Especially if he wore his hoodie and boots. He was able to get a lick of that happiness and comfort without risking being teased and goaded by the flock of gamer bros that made up his work. What's more, when he would get home, he could do what he was doing now. He'd strip and just sit in the mirror for a bit and meditate over Hongbin 2.0 until Sanghyuk came home. Hongbin didn't used to be a meditation type. Truly, he didn't know if what he was doing now even constituted meditation. Things were always changing for him now though. A more pensive state was the least concerning of it all.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He jerked up at the familiar sound of Sanghyuk unlocking their front door. With no other sound in the apartment, it was easy to hear across the house. He froze, looking like prey caught. Sanghyuk stepped onto the cheap linoleum that covered the entreeway, closed the door with a click. He called to Hongbin, telling him he was home. Hongbin put a hand on his chest, on the elastic of his bralette. He couldn't move outside of that. Maybe he went into shock.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Binnie? You're here, aren't you?" Closer, the kitchen. The sound of the cabinet opening gave him away after that. Hongbin listened to every step of Sanghyuk's motions, breathless. The drag of a glass across the cupboard shelf, the squeaky turn of their sink handle, water pouring into a cup. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm here," Hongbin choked up. He looked at his reflection and noticed how bent he was. He was curling up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Alright, you just didn't say anything when I came in." Of course, Hongbin always greeted him when he walked in. Something as simple as </span>
  <em>
    <span>hey</span>
  </em>
  <span> or </span>
  <em>
    <span>how was work?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Something Hongbin shouldn't be able to forget to do. Hongbin's arms shot around his body when he heard Sanghyuk's heavy steps coming down the hall. He was never a quiet walker, and Hongbin was for once thankful for it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don't!" He stopped. "I'm-im getting dressed." Hongbin looked around him for the clothes he had carelessly tossed once he got home. Sanghyuk let out a good natured scoff. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I think I've seen you completely undressed plenty of times by now."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And if you see me now I will throw you off the fucking balcony," Hongbin shot back. The aggression covered up the anxiety. Well enough, at least. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Okay, okay. I'm going. Just let me know when I can get out of my uniform." Hongbin listened for his retreat, his steps back the opposite direction. Once he heard their couch groan under sudden weight, he fell forward, arms still around him and face down on the carpet. Fuck. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he was capable of peeling himself from the ground, he found his clothes. He felt distinctly weak standing in the mirror though, holding his arms in his hoodie sleeves but not pulling it over his body. He stared at himself, his little waist, broad shoulders, his tan skin making the white bralette stick out like an ugly wound. His expression hardened. He looked so stupid, so out of place how he was, how he was dressed. Yet, he didn't want to take it off. He didn't want it off just because Sanghyuk was here and he was too much a coward to say anything. He didn't want to stop that joy so quickly. He shouldn't have to turn it off for other people, he realized. Wonshik, Hakyeon, Jaehwan, Taekwoon, all of them, they didn't shut it off for the eyes of others. They couldn't stop because other people may want them to. Hongbin couldn't stop. He wouldn't close his window. He wiped his tears on the sleeves of the hoodie.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sanghyuk flinched as a black mass was thrown at his lap. Hongbin's hoodie. He looked to the direction from which it came, and promptly he shut his mouth. It had been a few minutes since Hongbin had threatened him. Now, he was a little red faced and teary eyed, mouth in a firm line that made his dimples clear. He was also in a bra. A white one. A cute little one that would do nothing to support. It just covered his chest. He had shorts Sanghyuk had also never seen. A hushed pink. His socks had ruffles, like Sanghyuk remembered little girls having when he was a kid. Sanghyuk licked his lip. Hongbin's expression was not alluring, but frustrated. Two very different points were being communicated by him and Sanghyuk didn’t know which one he intended.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Is this- is this a sexy thing I misunderstood or is this serious?" Sanghyuk adjusted himself on the couch, sitting up proper. He kept looking at the clothes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's not about sex." Hongbin folded his arms over his chest, feeling a knot come back up his throat. He covered his Adam's apple, not wanting the attention to it. Sanghyuk nodded softly, now keeping his eyes firmly to Hongbin's face. He had such a stupidly compassionate expression. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What's wrong then, Bin?" Hongbin flapped his hand wordlessly, looking down at his toes. He was going to puke if Sanghyuk didn't put two and two together soon. He should have just gotten dressed. "What's this outfit about, baby?" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hongbin suddenly bubbled over again, feeling hot tears drag slow trails across his cheeks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm sorry…" It was the most he could say, all he could say. He got that feeling he vaguely remembered, the one Wonshik always mentioned before T, before surgery. He wanted to peel off his skin, be someone else. Sanghyuk was looking too hard, too much.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Binnie, talk to me. Tell me what's wrong." Sanghyuk extended a hand, but Hongbin didn't take it. Sanghyuk didn't retreat though. The offer remained even as Hongbin just stared at it. He shook his head softly. "Binnie…" it was said softly, a weak little plea. A tone that said both he and Sanghyuk knew Hongbin should just spit it out. Hongbin shook his head then took a stuttering breath. He grimaced at the pitiful display of emotion. It wasn’t this awful with the others. He wasn’t this scared, this hurt before anything was even said. Why couldn’t he just figure it out? Why did Hongbin have to be the one to say it?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Do you want me to guess?" Again, Hongbin shook his head. He could feel the sigh that Sanghyuk stopped himself from letting out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I want you to know." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Then tell me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I can't! I've been trying to say something for months but I can't!" Hongbin finally exploded. He stomped on the ground like a little princess throwing a tantrum. He wanted to cry forever and drown in the tears. This was too stressful, too many emotions. Everytime he had to go through this process, he came out the other side utterly exhausted. He ran his hands back into his short hair, clutching it in his hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm not going to be upset."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You will! You want a man, you love men, not," Hongbin threw his hands to his chest, covering his ribs, the bra, "whatever this is!" Sanghyuk shifted in his seat. Finally, he put his hand down. He reset himself like he had just finally caught onto the game. He was late, to the point of Hongbin’s pain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Is this why you asked about Hakyeon and Jaehwan..?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I wanted to know if you'd hate me…" he sounded so small. He hated it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I could never hate you, Hongbin." Hongbin shrunk into himself, trying to curl up like a dying roach.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But I'm not what you </span>
  <em>
    <span>want</span>
  </em>
  <span>."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes, you are. You still live here with me, you're still my partner. You're still the one who makes a big stink if I don't say goodnight and you're still the one I have to collect from the computer at 4am. You're still </span>
  <em>
    <span>who</span>
  </em>
  <span> I want, Hongbin." Hongbin wiped his face with his wrists. Sanghyuk caught one once he was done. With it, he dragged Hongbin closer, held onto his hand, tried to look into his eyes. "You're not a what to me, Hongbin, you're a who. And who you are is my lover." Sanghyuk was not a convincing lie. What's more, he had the most sincere expressions that mankind had ever seen. His eyes only ever said the truth, and they didn't change when he assured Hongbin. The elder hiccuped and closed his eyes, too overwhelmed to look Sanghyuk in the eyes. "I love you, Binnie. Whether you're a man, or you're a woman, or you're like Jaehwan and Hakyeon." Hongbin sobbed, and he freed his hand. He did a gesture with his arms, opening them in a way Sanghyuk understood as letting him in. He opened his own, letting Hongbin just fall into him. Letting Hongbin curl into himself on top of his lap and sob. Letting him work all the guilt and shame that had built up inside him wash out. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Should I ask," Sanghyuk started softly, after silence had settled into the house for some time, "if you changed your name, or your pronouns?" He was holding Hongbin like Hakyeon had back in the dressing room, cradling him. Hongbin felt exhausted but restless. There was too much he wasn't sure if Sanghyuk knew or not, too much for him to sleep. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't know what I am…" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That's okay."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I wanna be pretty. I like.. girly." Sanghyuk rubbed his back. A reward for trying so hard. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You look very pretty, Binnie. You always are, but this is very pretty." One of his fingers came under the close-ties of the bra, just briefly. It wasn't a sexy motion. He was just clarifying. Hongbin was glad it wasn't. He didn't particularly want his comfort item removed yet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"There's this lady I used to always picture in my head."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Anytime I did, I got this feeling. Not like I was jealous but… I don't know. I felt sick. I'd get sad anytime I saw something that made me picture her."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do you think she was you?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I dont know. I've been so confused and I hate it but I don't know what to do to make it go faster." Hongbin glared at the table leg his eyes had been focused on for the majority of the silence. It was smooth, gradually getting bigger the closer it came to the base of the table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You've spent all your life getting to know yourself. You can't do it all over again any faster."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I wanted to tell you," Hongbin avoided. What he said was wise, and apt, so Hongbin chose not to address it. He didn't want to hold out on his patience. "I wanted to tell you when I had all the answers."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Didn't that hurt?" Hongbin nodded softly. It killed him inside. It still was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I felt like you loved a stranger, but I couldn't do it. I cant- I can’t do this and deal with losing you at the same time." Sanghyuk pressed his lips softly to Hongbin's temple. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You won't lose me, princess. Not for this. Not ever." Hongbin closed his eyes, ducking his head and pressing his ear further against Sanghyuk’s chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I think I like that name... now that I'm… this." Hongbin could hear the smile in Sanghyuk's voice when he said,</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Anything you want, and I'll be the first to say it."</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please talk to me about trans au I love it so much</p><p>contact Info:<br/><a href="https://minoru-hayashi.tumblr.com">Tumblr</a><br/><a href="https://twitter.com/russ__Ant">Twitter</a><br/><a href="https://www.deviantart.com/rus-ant">DA</a><br/><a href="https://curiouscat.me/russ__Ant">Curious Cat</a><br/></p></blockquote></div></div>
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